Yesterday started off with a bang! I received an e-mail from the previously mentioned Judge, saying the National Council of Juvenille Family Court Judges read my blog. Yep, read MY blog. Oh I am feeling mighty fine now! According to the Judge, they were "wowed by my words". Oh yeah, you read it right - wowed. I hovered about 2 feet off the ground all day yesterday thinking about people other than my mama reading the blog. What a great day!
And then I went to pick up Madison from school where the parent of Maddie's friend wanted to talk with me. It was my intention to put together a play group of brown girls from around the neighborhood for Maddie and McKenzie. I thought it would be fun for the girls, since we live in a predominantly white area, to have a regular play group of children who resemble them. I also thought it would be a a great support system on which to build. You know me, I was envisioning play dates that turn into prom pictures on the front porch of these beautiful brown girls who grew up together outside of Austin. Well that vision came to a screaching halt in the parking lot of the school.
The beautiful mother of Madison's friend who I absolutely adore and have used as a resource on so many occassions when issues of race have arisen, needed to tell me face to face that she and her husband were not comfortable with having their child in our home. And I don't think she meant because we are Methodist. I was heartbroken.
When I came out of the closet in 1999, it was really important for me to convince people that I was equal to them regardless of my sexuality. I've grown a little wiser over the years and I recognized in the parking lot of the school yesterday that it was not my job to change this lady's mind. I told her I thought by knowing me this long as a person and and as a mother, she would know the intentions of my heart. She said she did and admired what I was doing in raising my children, but just didn't feel comfortable in my home. I offered to have her stay for the play date and she said no. I asked if she would be more comfortable at the park or another public place and she said yes. Ah ha - the door is open.
You see, I really don't care what you think about me. I will do anything to protect my children and ensure they are well rounded individuals. It is important to me to maintain the relationship between our children and I am willing to bend to make that happen. The conversation was not easy for either one of us. And I have to say how much I respect her honesty. It took balls to say what she did to my face. I have wondered in the past if the girls had lost any friends along the way because of who Kim and I are. More than likely, they have and we just don't know the reason. At least this person was brave enough to tell me where she is coming from.
We left each other in the parking lot on good terms. I asked if I could hug her and she seemed relieved to say yes. We are going to spend the afternoon together with our girls during Spring Break, maybe go to a museum or something. I assured her there is an open invitation for her family to our home. They are welcome at any time to come over. I hope she takes me up on it at some point in the future.
Looking back on the exchange, I know I handled the situation well. I can't think of anything I should have said or done differently. I am thankful she was honest. I am thankful she left the door open. What hurt me was learning while I view her as a friend, she can only see me as a lesbian. And being a lesbian is a small part of who I am. I am also a partner, a daughter, a sister, a mother, a seeker, a writer, a friend, a follower of Christ, a neighbor, a dreamer, a believer, an advocate, and so much more. I know who I am and I am confident in that knowledge. I am not willing to bend who I am, but am willing to do whatever is possible to make my children's lives fuller. I truly hope she comes around and not just for Maddie's sake, but for mine as well.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Hollar!
I have heard from an awful lot of people lately how much they enjoy my blog. The funny thing is, I thought only my mama was reading it! Just kidding, I know a few more people are reading about my rollar coaster life than just my mother, but I can't help but wonder who. So if you are reading this blog, could you hollar back at me in the comments section? Just a quick Hey Amy, my name is such and such and this is what I think or this is why I read or this is who sent me to your blog.
It would mean the world to me.
Hollar now!
It would mean the world to me.
Hollar now!
Me and the Judge
Several weeks ago I was invited to have lunch, which was later re-scheduled for coffee, with Judge Darlene Byrne of the 126th District Court. I was rather surprised to receive such an invitation and did some fishing around to find out why this person would want to meet with me. Of course, I know Judge Byrne but I doubt she knew me. You see Judge Byrne was the family court judge for Malia's case. If memory serves correct, I made some colorful remarks about the judge's rulings in Malia's case, but all of that is over now. It was time to focus on coffee.
In the midst of a major winter storm watch, I drove across Austin to meet the Honorable Judge Darlene Byrne for what reason I wasn't exactly sure. She arrived exactly on time and while much older than Judging Amy, I had a flash of my favorite television show where Amy was the female judge of family court with her mother as a CPS worker.
Judge Byrne introduced herself and we chatted for a while, getting to know one another. She is from Alabama and I am from Mississippi. I am a foster parent and adoptive parent and she is a family court judge deciding the fate of many children. Both of us are passionate about the welfare of children in our care. The judge came right to the point and asked me to consider joining the disproportionality committee of the Model Court in Travis County (Austin).
Wow! I was impressed. I feel very honored. I feel like the work I am doing on behalf of adoptive families may be worthwhile for more reasons than I thought. Judge Byrne explained this is a court appointed position with a tremendous amount of influence and the opportunity to make change in the foster care system of our state. Wow! Could she possibly have the wrong person? I'm just a mom. A mom without a job. A mom who does more than you can imagine for zero dollars. A mom who doesn't want to stop working on any of my projects in order to maintain a job, but has to pay the mortgage at the same time. I need a paycheck but how could I tell the Judge no when I feel so strongly about the kiddos in care?
Instead I told her I would think about it, which is what I am doing. You and I both know I am going to say yes, but that mortgage thing is still an issue. The committee meets once a month for 1 hour and there are tasks to do in between meetings, but I don't think too much time is involved. I really want to do it. I want to make a difference. I want to make the world a better place for my children. I also want a paycheck. Couldn't there be a way to earn some money by writing a book, creating a non-profit, facilitating workshops, leading a parenting group, and now possibly writing a children's book with my cousin illustrating it? Anyone? Anyone?
In the meantime, I will marinate on how to follow my heart's desire to make the world a better place and make money at the same time.
Q: What does disproportionality mean?
A: According to Juvenile and Family Justice Today (Summer 2008), "Research has demonstrated that children and families of color are disproportionately represented in the child welfare system and frequently experience disparate and inequitable service provision."
This means there are more children of color in foster care than white children and they often receive the short end of the stick in terms of services and reunification with family. In Austin, the African American population constitutes 18% of the total population of the city and yet 40% of the children in foster care are African American. Let that soak in a minute. This is a problem across our country, not just in Austin.
Q: What is a model court?
A: "The Model Courts Project provides judges, attorneys, and numerous other professionals who work in the courts and child welfare agencies with practical, concrete, and effective tools for improving court performance in the handling of child abuse and neglect cases," according to a publication by the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges.
The disproportionality committee makes recommendations to Judge Byrne about how children of color are treated in the system and by the judges deciding the course of their lives. I would be asked to speak about my experience as an adoptive parent in the system.
Sounds really smart, doesn't it? Sounds really important to me. Stay tuned for more updates on me and the Judge.
In the midst of a major winter storm watch, I drove across Austin to meet the Honorable Judge Darlene Byrne for what reason I wasn't exactly sure. She arrived exactly on time and while much older than Judging Amy, I had a flash of my favorite television show where Amy was the female judge of family court with her mother as a CPS worker.
Judge Byrne introduced herself and we chatted for a while, getting to know one another. She is from Alabama and I am from Mississippi. I am a foster parent and adoptive parent and she is a family court judge deciding the fate of many children. Both of us are passionate about the welfare of children in our care. The judge came right to the point and asked me to consider joining the disproportionality committee of the Model Court in Travis County (Austin).
Wow! I was impressed. I feel very honored. I feel like the work I am doing on behalf of adoptive families may be worthwhile for more reasons than I thought. Judge Byrne explained this is a court appointed position with a tremendous amount of influence and the opportunity to make change in the foster care system of our state. Wow! Could she possibly have the wrong person? I'm just a mom. A mom without a job. A mom who does more than you can imagine for zero dollars. A mom who doesn't want to stop working on any of my projects in order to maintain a job, but has to pay the mortgage at the same time. I need a paycheck but how could I tell the Judge no when I feel so strongly about the kiddos in care?
Instead I told her I would think about it, which is what I am doing. You and I both know I am going to say yes, but that mortgage thing is still an issue. The committee meets once a month for 1 hour and there are tasks to do in between meetings, but I don't think too much time is involved. I really want to do it. I want to make a difference. I want to make the world a better place for my children. I also want a paycheck. Couldn't there be a way to earn some money by writing a book, creating a non-profit, facilitating workshops, leading a parenting group, and now possibly writing a children's book with my cousin illustrating it? Anyone? Anyone?
In the meantime, I will marinate on how to follow my heart's desire to make the world a better place and make money at the same time.
Q: What does disproportionality mean?
A: According to Juvenile and Family Justice Today (Summer 2008), "Research has demonstrated that children and families of color are disproportionately represented in the child welfare system and frequently experience disparate and inequitable service provision."
This means there are more children of color in foster care than white children and they often receive the short end of the stick in terms of services and reunification with family. In Austin, the African American population constitutes 18% of the total population of the city and yet 40% of the children in foster care are African American. Let that soak in a minute. This is a problem across our country, not just in Austin.
Q: What is a model court?
A: "The Model Courts Project provides judges, attorneys, and numerous other professionals who work in the courts and child welfare agencies with practical, concrete, and effective tools for improving court performance in the handling of child abuse and neglect cases," according to a publication by the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges.
The disproportionality committee makes recommendations to Judge Byrne about how children of color are treated in the system and by the judges deciding the course of their lives. I would be asked to speak about my experience as an adoptive parent in the system.
Sounds really smart, doesn't it? Sounds really important to me. Stay tuned for more updates on me and the Judge.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Snow in February!
What a day! Last week, a plane flew into a building just a few miles away and today it actually snowed. Well don't that beat all? I am sitting at my desk watching big, fat, juicy snow flakes fall from the sky. While they are sticking to the grass, the kids, and the trampoline, the snow is melting when it hits the concrete. The entire city is sitting on go, pending the WINTER WEATHER ALERT running every 10 seconds on every channel. All day long I have watched the snow and marveled at how it must feel to live inside a snow globe. From where I sit now, the world is quiet and peaceful beautifully covered in white.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
The Library
Monday was President's Day and Madison's school was closed. Kim and I spent a wonderful day with her and I realized how much I miss having one on one time with the kids. I also realized how long it had been since I had last spent one on one time with McKenzie and it broke my heart. I did a little research Monday night and made a plan to spend this morning with my sweet middle child, who was long overdue for some special attention.
This morning began as any other with the exception of McKenzie staying home with me. She played Barbies and watched cartoons while I showered and dressed. We went to McDonald's for a hashbrown and biscut. We sat across for one another and chatted - me and the four year old. We talked about Malia and how quiet the house is without her. McKenzie asked if I was sleeping better since I didn't have to get up in the night with Malia. I was touched by such a sensitive observation. We talked about going to kindergarten in the Fall. We talked about her sisters and how McKenzie wishes they could sleep outside sometimes. She played on the playscape for a few minutes and then we headed off for the library.
One of McKenzie's favorite books is Lola at the Library. However, this is McKenzie's only point of reference for a library since I have never taken her. Our first stop in the library was to the lady's room. The next stop was the big snake in a glass, square thingy that he called home. McKenzie was fascinated. I, on the other hand, needed to thoroughly inspect the floor in front of the glass thingy. I hate snakes.
And then she saw it. McKenzie caught her first glimpse of the children's section and her eyes nearly popped out of her head. She ran down every aisle, touching as many books as she could with me on her heels yelling, "SSSSHHHHSSSHSHHHHH!" We took a brief moment to remember Lola's trip to the library and how quiet that was.
McKenzie went from one shelf to another touching every spine she could reach. Occassionally she would pull one out and finger the pages. I marveled at her love of books and thought how quick my breathing becomes when I walk into Barnes and Noble. I hope she will always love books this much. She is only beginning to know of the adventures waiting for her between these pages.
I inquired about a library card for McKenzie and then checked out 2 books on her behalf since a child must be 6 years old to carry a library card. With her 2 books tucked securely under her arm, we made our way to the reading room for the Children's Hour. McKenzie and I sat on the floor with many other moms and kids to listen to 4 or 5 books read by a lovely woman with an even lovelier British accent. We sang songs and even watched a short movie. McKenzie was in heaven, which put me there too!
I had an incredible morning with McKenzie and I hope to do this more often with her. I spent only a few dollars for a hashbrown, biscut, and some juice, but made an awesome memory with my daughter. I can hardly wait to read her books tonight before bed and to re-tell the story of our time together. God is Good!
This morning began as any other with the exception of McKenzie staying home with me. She played Barbies and watched cartoons while I showered and dressed. We went to McDonald's for a hashbrown and biscut. We sat across for one another and chatted - me and the four year old. We talked about Malia and how quiet the house is without her. McKenzie asked if I was sleeping better since I didn't have to get up in the night with Malia. I was touched by such a sensitive observation. We talked about going to kindergarten in the Fall. We talked about her sisters and how McKenzie wishes they could sleep outside sometimes. She played on the playscape for a few minutes and then we headed off for the library.
One of McKenzie's favorite books is Lola at the Library. However, this is McKenzie's only point of reference for a library since I have never taken her. Our first stop in the library was to the lady's room. The next stop was the big snake in a glass, square thingy that he called home. McKenzie was fascinated. I, on the other hand, needed to thoroughly inspect the floor in front of the glass thingy. I hate snakes.
And then she saw it. McKenzie caught her first glimpse of the children's section and her eyes nearly popped out of her head. She ran down every aisle, touching as many books as she could with me on her heels yelling, "SSSSHHHHSSSHSHHHHH!" We took a brief moment to remember Lola's trip to the library and how quiet that was.
McKenzie went from one shelf to another touching every spine she could reach. Occassionally she would pull one out and finger the pages. I marveled at her love of books and thought how quick my breathing becomes when I walk into Barnes and Noble. I hope she will always love books this much. She is only beginning to know of the adventures waiting for her between these pages.
I inquired about a library card for McKenzie and then checked out 2 books on her behalf since a child must be 6 years old to carry a library card. With her 2 books tucked securely under her arm, we made our way to the reading room for the Children's Hour. McKenzie and I sat on the floor with many other moms and kids to listen to 4 or 5 books read by a lovely woman with an even lovelier British accent. We sang songs and even watched a short movie. McKenzie was in heaven, which put me there too!
I had an incredible morning with McKenzie and I hope to do this more often with her. I spent only a few dollars for a hashbrown, biscut, and some juice, but made an awesome memory with my daughter. I can hardly wait to read her books tonight before bed and to re-tell the story of our time together. God is Good!
Does beauty have a color?
On a beautiful Tuesday afternoon as I was driving to school to pick up Madison, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number and for some reason answered the call anyway. The person on the other end identified herself as the director of the YMCA after school program where Madison spends a couple of hours every day during the week. The caller assured me Maddie was fine, but wanted to make me aware of a "situation" that occurred earlier in the afternoon.
Whenever a teacher, or person of authority, starts out the conversation with mention of a "situation", it can not be good. I remember the time Madison's pre-school teacher asked me to step outside to discuss a "situation". I was mortified. And then she told me what Madison had shared with the class. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Maddie apparently told the classroom we had a naked neighbor. In addition to thinking the sweet black child was being raised by 2 white women, this poor teacher now had images of our living in a nudist colony. Upon firther investigation, Madison was referring to the retired gentleman who lived next door and made a practice of mowing the lawn without a shirt. To a 5 year old, this was naked.
The caller began telling me how 2 little boys had informed Madison she could not or was not beautiful because she is black. I gasped out loud in the van. How could anyone say something so horrible to MY baby who is not only physically stunning but riddled with personality and humor? Who could be so cruel to say something so categorically untrue and hurtful to MY baby? And then I began to fume. Hot, molten lava fume. I punched the gas peddle with my foot and began asking questions like
Is Madison ok?
Did she cry?
Where are these 2 little boys now?
How are YOU going to handle this "situation"?
What is the YMCA's policy on this type of cruelty?
I was wizzing into the parking lot of the school when I finally hung up with Madam Director. Kim and I walked a short distance from the van to the building. I was out for blood. Kim says I was walking faster than usual and swinging my arms as if ready to pounce on the first child who crossed my path. I was ready to pounce. I was ready to drag some little red neck white boy out behind the dumpsters and show him who is ugly. Fortunately, said red neck white boy did not come my way, but instead my sweet, precious, often mouthy Madison greated us at the door. We both hugged her and looked for Madam Director.
Madison did cry when these boys were ugly to her and the YMCA did what I would say was a fabulous job in consoling her. It was also explained the YMCA has a zero tolerance policy and the boys would be written up for bullying another child at school. The parents of both boys had been contacted. She took the wind right out of my sails! What more could I say? It happened and it was handled. But what would happen when we were at home?
I braced myself for serious melt down at home. On the short ride home, Kim explained how what the boys had done was bad and that Madison handled the situation well. She also pointed out how important it is never to hit someone even when they hurt your feelings. We talked about how beautiful she is and how perfect, just as God made her. We were saying all the right things, but what would happen at home? How deeply had their words cut her? For how long would she hear those words in her head?
I waited all evening for some mention of the "situation" but it never came. Madison jumped on the trampoline with her 2 sisters for quite a while and then we ate dinner. Homework was completed and baths taken without incident. As I tucked her into bed, I tried to bring it up.
"You know you can talked to me about anything even if you think I may get mad or it might hurt my feelings. You can say anything to me. I always want to know what you think and how you feel."
"I know Mommy."
"Those boys," I started.
"I know Mommy. It's ok."
"They just don't know," I continued.
"Mommy, it's ok. You can stop."
"But, I just hate," I tried again.
"Stop Mommy! It's ok."
I never saw a single tear yesterday. I never heard the story from Maddie's lips. She has yet to bring it up. I will try again to talk to her about it, but I think maybe, just maybe, we may have prepared her for this day. Maybe, just maybe, telling her every day of her life how beautiful and how amazing she is has made an impression. Maybe, just maybe, the words hurt her, but she knew the message was bogus. Maybe, just maybe, we are raising a confident young lady who has a strong backbone and a sensative heart. Maybe, just maybe, Madison knows the secret the world has yet to learn - Beauty is every color. Maybe, just maybe, I won't have to drag those raggedy little boys behind the dumpster after all.
Whenever a teacher, or person of authority, starts out the conversation with mention of a "situation", it can not be good. I remember the time Madison's pre-school teacher asked me to step outside to discuss a "situation". I was mortified. And then she told me what Madison had shared with the class. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. Maddie apparently told the classroom we had a naked neighbor. In addition to thinking the sweet black child was being raised by 2 white women, this poor teacher now had images of our living in a nudist colony. Upon firther investigation, Madison was referring to the retired gentleman who lived next door and made a practice of mowing the lawn without a shirt. To a 5 year old, this was naked.
The caller began telling me how 2 little boys had informed Madison she could not or was not beautiful because she is black. I gasped out loud in the van. How could anyone say something so horrible to MY baby who is not only physically stunning but riddled with personality and humor? Who could be so cruel to say something so categorically untrue and hurtful to MY baby? And then I began to fume. Hot, molten lava fume. I punched the gas peddle with my foot and began asking questions like
Is Madison ok?
Did she cry?
Where are these 2 little boys now?
How are YOU going to handle this "situation"?
What is the YMCA's policy on this type of cruelty?
I was wizzing into the parking lot of the school when I finally hung up with Madam Director. Kim and I walked a short distance from the van to the building. I was out for blood. Kim says I was walking faster than usual and swinging my arms as if ready to pounce on the first child who crossed my path. I was ready to pounce. I was ready to drag some little red neck white boy out behind the dumpsters and show him who is ugly. Fortunately, said red neck white boy did not come my way, but instead my sweet, precious, often mouthy Madison greated us at the door. We both hugged her and looked for Madam Director.
Madison did cry when these boys were ugly to her and the YMCA did what I would say was a fabulous job in consoling her. It was also explained the YMCA has a zero tolerance policy and the boys would be written up for bullying another child at school. The parents of both boys had been contacted. She took the wind right out of my sails! What more could I say? It happened and it was handled. But what would happen when we were at home?
I braced myself for serious melt down at home. On the short ride home, Kim explained how what the boys had done was bad and that Madison handled the situation well. She also pointed out how important it is never to hit someone even when they hurt your feelings. We talked about how beautiful she is and how perfect, just as God made her. We were saying all the right things, but what would happen at home? How deeply had their words cut her? For how long would she hear those words in her head?
I waited all evening for some mention of the "situation" but it never came. Madison jumped on the trampoline with her 2 sisters for quite a while and then we ate dinner. Homework was completed and baths taken without incident. As I tucked her into bed, I tried to bring it up.
"You know you can talked to me about anything even if you think I may get mad or it might hurt my feelings. You can say anything to me. I always want to know what you think and how you feel."
"I know Mommy."
"Those boys," I started.
"I know Mommy. It's ok."
"They just don't know," I continued.
"Mommy, it's ok. You can stop."
"But, I just hate," I tried again.
"Stop Mommy! It's ok."
I never saw a single tear yesterday. I never heard the story from Maddie's lips. She has yet to bring it up. I will try again to talk to her about it, but I think maybe, just maybe, we may have prepared her for this day. Maybe, just maybe, telling her every day of her life how beautiful and how amazing she is has made an impression. Maybe, just maybe, the words hurt her, but she knew the message was bogus. Maybe, just maybe, we are raising a confident young lady who has a strong backbone and a sensative heart. Maybe, just maybe, Madison knows the secret the world has yet to learn - Beauty is every color. Maybe, just maybe, I won't have to drag those raggedy little boys behind the dumpster after all.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I can read! I can read!
Tuesday night is basketball practice for Madison at the YMCA. So last night I take her to practice while Kim picks up McKenzie and Morgan from school and feeds them dinner. It was about 6:45 when we walked through the front door, loaded down with coats, a backpack, 1 purse, and some trash from the mini van.
I wasn't 3 steps inside the door when McKenzie rushes to my side shouting "I can read! I can read!" She pulls me into the dining room to show me the book bag with her name on it given to her by Mrs. Gwen at school. Inside was a 6 page pre-school book with a reading log inside. It is very similar to the little books Maddie still brings home from school every day to read.
Well you would have thought someone had said "MCKENZIE RASMUS-FORD! YOU'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD IN AN HOUR!" She could hardly contain the excitement in her little body. She couldn't wait to sit down to read with me the way Maddie reads with me. Inside her special book bag was a note from Mrs. Gwen that reads:
"Amy and Kim, when I tested McKenzie earlier in the year, she missed 15 letters and the sounds they make. I tested her again today and she only missed 3 sounds. She is ready to start reading."
Well holy cow! I dropped my coat and the purse and the trash to read her very first book with her - The Face Sandwich. The word she knows the best is "the" and she doesn't say "the", instead she says each letter - "T-H-E". We sounded out words and made it through all 6 pages with me doing most of the reading, but she was beside herself with excitement.
Later that night, I sat in Maddie's bed while she read to me the final chapters of June B. Jones - Cheater Pants. I looked over at McKenzie, who was simultaneously doing the splits and reading the Dr. Seuss ABC book. She was practicing the sounds of each letter. Unprompted. Oh Lord, help me. I am so proud I may just burst. Kissing her good night I told her that once she learned to read, she could do anything in the world. Of course, I told Maddie the same thing when Obama was elected President and she took that to mean she didn't have to go to bed at 8. Kids!
I wasn't 3 steps inside the door when McKenzie rushes to my side shouting "I can read! I can read!" She pulls me into the dining room to show me the book bag with her name on it given to her by Mrs. Gwen at school. Inside was a 6 page pre-school book with a reading log inside. It is very similar to the little books Maddie still brings home from school every day to read.
Well you would have thought someone had said "MCKENZIE RASMUS-FORD! YOU'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD IN AN HOUR!" She could hardly contain the excitement in her little body. She couldn't wait to sit down to read with me the way Maddie reads with me. Inside her special book bag was a note from Mrs. Gwen that reads:
"Amy and Kim, when I tested McKenzie earlier in the year, she missed 15 letters and the sounds they make. I tested her again today and she only missed 3 sounds. She is ready to start reading."
Well holy cow! I dropped my coat and the purse and the trash to read her very first book with her - The Face Sandwich. The word she knows the best is "the" and she doesn't say "the", instead she says each letter - "T-H-E". We sounded out words and made it through all 6 pages with me doing most of the reading, but she was beside herself with excitement.
Later that night, I sat in Maddie's bed while she read to me the final chapters of June B. Jones - Cheater Pants. I looked over at McKenzie, who was simultaneously doing the splits and reading the Dr. Seuss ABC book. She was practicing the sounds of each letter. Unprompted. Oh Lord, help me. I am so proud I may just burst. Kissing her good night I told her that once she learned to read, she could do anything in the world. Of course, I told Maddie the same thing when Obama was elected President and she took that to mean she didn't have to go to bed at 8. Kids!
Monday, February 08, 2010
Changes
It is a cold, rainy morning and I am sitting upstairs in the office/Nanny suite (that is Nanny my mother, not "the nanny" as in a sitter) staring out the window at the beautiful trees with their green and brown accessories still hanging on for dear life. I actually feel calm. It is actually quiet in this house. The kids are at school and Kim is starting a new temp job at the Attorney General's office where she worked years ago in the child support division. I am alone for the first time in I don't know how long and it feels nice.
I remember a time in my life when change was devastating for me. Somehow, I came to accept change as part of life. And now I know it to be one of the only constants in life. I have been through so much change in the last few years. Our family has been through so much change. It boggles my mind how fast we regularly "dance" to keep up with the changing landscape of our life.
Not so many years ago I had a dream to start my own business. I left the safety and security of a paycheck to create my own company. I worked harder than I ever have before and still it failed. While I learned so much in the process of following a dream, I now feel lost as to what I am suppose to do when I grow up. In the process of starting a business, we added to our family in the form of sweet McKenzie. While coming to grips with the failure of the business, the greatest surprise of my life arrived when Morgan was born. She changed my priorities completely and for the first time in my life, I embraced the roll of mother head on. I was no longer obssessed with making the deal. I became consumed with the wonder of my children. I didn't really want to work at anything other than being a mom. What a change!
During this time, Kim also changed jobs and we moved into our dream home. We eventually said good bye to Noah, a.k.a Bubba, and then to Jordan, our amazing Golden Retrievers who took the greatest care of this family. Bubba was 15 and Jordan 14. They lived good, long lives. A few months later, we decided the house was too empty without a pet and rushed out to find a new one. Enter Jack, the Dog. So cute and so sweet but trouble with a captial T!
Malia came home to us for what I thought would be forever. I have said time and time again that my mother raised me to believe I could do anything I put my mind to, but I never learned the lesson that she didn't mean all at the same time. Kim and I quickly became overwhelmed with 4 children, 2 of which were in diapers. I really thought I could do it. And yet though this experience I learned to acknowledge, to actually recognize, my own personal limitations. I just couldn't do any more and neither could Kim. In an effort to reduce the level of chaos in the house, we gave Jack to a friend who lived on a farm. Seriously, she really does live on a farm. It's not just something we told the kids.
Once Jack was gone, the sickness took hold of our house in the form of H1N1, staph infection, the seasonal flu, and the stomach virus. We were sick for 4 weeks in this house. It is truly by the grace of God we survived with all children in tact. And then I lost my job. And then Kim lost her job. And Morgan was facing surgery to correct urinary tract infections that have plagued her entire life. Something needed to happen because we were going down. Something had to change. We had to be realistic. We could only handle so much.
We made the gut wrenching decision not to move forward with Malia's adoption. It isn't something I can talk about easily. She left us 1 week ago to be with her new forever family. While my heart was breaking, someone else's dreams were coming true in the gift of a baby. I think about her every day. I pray for her every night. I touch her crib every time I walk into the nursery to take care of Morgan. I pray we did more good than harm for Malia. I hope we have not emotionally scarred our other children for life.
So here I am less 1 dog and less 1 baby. Calm has returned to our home. Madison is reading to me every night, which is something I wasn't able to do with her when Malia was here. McKenzie continues to exude light and love. Her gymnastics teacher told me on Saturday she displays incredible focus for her age and is tremendously strong. I am so proud! Morgan is back to being the baby and she is happy again, rather than jealous. Her surgery went fine and the problem has been corrected. It is my hope we are infection free for a long, long time.
Kim and I are continuing to navigate the scary waters of parenthood. It is never easy for me to be a team. My dad calls it the "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" syndrome. Need I say more?
We had a great weekend together, me and Kim not me and Dad, because The Village took all 3 girls for 2 days of adventure in Lago Vista. We rested. We went to Wal Mart. I know, I know it isn't very romantic but absolutely necessary. We went to the movies. We saw "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. The movie gave us so much to talk about afterwards. We realized how entrenched we are in the day to day of parenting and rarely have time to look forward to those milestones of graduation, prom, marriage, and so on. Am I a bad mother because I don't have actual dreams for my children other than just making it through the day? My mother says no, I am not a bad mother. Instead she says I am a typical mother of young children where the only goal ever is to just make it through the day. I am so excited to find out who our children will be someday. Will Madison be the basketball star I think she is? Will McKenzie be a black Mary Lou Retton? And will Morgan, The Bruiser, play hockey or football? I like looking ahead to the future. I don't think I can live there comfortably, but it is a nice place to visit because there I find hope and wonder and excitement for things to come.
Kim prepared the most beautiful meal Saturday night. We didn't even eat until almost 9, which is unheard of in our house! It felt sinfully good! When she placed the plate before me at the table, I actually cried. Just a little. It was the most beautiful plate of love I had ever seen. She went to tremendous lengths to make standing beef roast, which didn't actually stand up but was delicious none the less. The entire meal was heaven and we talked about stuff that matters. Amazing.
The girls finally came home Sunday afternoon to watch the Super Bowl with us last night. Kim spread a red and white check table cloth on the living room floor and dragged the high chair in from the kitchen. Mid way through the game and the feast of Super Bowl snacks, I left the room for a moment. When I came back into the living room, I stood still to take it all in. Here is what I saw.
Sitting on the couch was Kim, other mother of my children and devoted partner to me. I don't know why she puts up with me and I don't know how I put up with her sometimes, but I do know for the last 10 1/2 years hers has been the face I see every single morning when I open my eyes to a new day. Hers is the last face I see when I go to sleep at night and the person I need the most every day. On the floor having an indoor picnic are Madison and McKenzie - sisters and best friends when they aren't screaming at each other. They have changed my entire life and I am thankful beyond measure for each one of them. Morgan is in the high chair covered in pizza and queso. She flashes her million dollar smile at me and I melt. How could one woman be so blessed? And finally, there is Misty on the other couch. Misty is the former co-worker and wonderful friend who we invited to move in with us last year. She is mouthy and opinionated and one of the moodiest people I know, but I love her with all my heart. Misty has been here through thick and thin, loving us and loving our children. She runs car pool in a pinch, rocks babies to sleep as needed, and serves as the gravy to this family. All of these treaures sitting in my living room and I felt calm.
We have survived the changes. We know there are more to come, but maybe for now we can have a little piece of peace. Maybe we can focus on our family as a whole and who we want to be in the world rather than fighting to stay in tact.
I remember a time in my life when change was devastating for me. Somehow, I came to accept change as part of life. And now I know it to be one of the only constants in life. I have been through so much change in the last few years. Our family has been through so much change. It boggles my mind how fast we regularly "dance" to keep up with the changing landscape of our life.
Not so many years ago I had a dream to start my own business. I left the safety and security of a paycheck to create my own company. I worked harder than I ever have before and still it failed. While I learned so much in the process of following a dream, I now feel lost as to what I am suppose to do when I grow up. In the process of starting a business, we added to our family in the form of sweet McKenzie. While coming to grips with the failure of the business, the greatest surprise of my life arrived when Morgan was born. She changed my priorities completely and for the first time in my life, I embraced the roll of mother head on. I was no longer obssessed with making the deal. I became consumed with the wonder of my children. I didn't really want to work at anything other than being a mom. What a change!
During this time, Kim also changed jobs and we moved into our dream home. We eventually said good bye to Noah, a.k.a Bubba, and then to Jordan, our amazing Golden Retrievers who took the greatest care of this family. Bubba was 15 and Jordan 14. They lived good, long lives. A few months later, we decided the house was too empty without a pet and rushed out to find a new one. Enter Jack, the Dog. So cute and so sweet but trouble with a captial T!
Malia came home to us for what I thought would be forever. I have said time and time again that my mother raised me to believe I could do anything I put my mind to, but I never learned the lesson that she didn't mean all at the same time. Kim and I quickly became overwhelmed with 4 children, 2 of which were in diapers. I really thought I could do it. And yet though this experience I learned to acknowledge, to actually recognize, my own personal limitations. I just couldn't do any more and neither could Kim. In an effort to reduce the level of chaos in the house, we gave Jack to a friend who lived on a farm. Seriously, she really does live on a farm. It's not just something we told the kids.
Once Jack was gone, the sickness took hold of our house in the form of H1N1, staph infection, the seasonal flu, and the stomach virus. We were sick for 4 weeks in this house. It is truly by the grace of God we survived with all children in tact. And then I lost my job. And then Kim lost her job. And Morgan was facing surgery to correct urinary tract infections that have plagued her entire life. Something needed to happen because we were going down. Something had to change. We had to be realistic. We could only handle so much.
We made the gut wrenching decision not to move forward with Malia's adoption. It isn't something I can talk about easily. She left us 1 week ago to be with her new forever family. While my heart was breaking, someone else's dreams were coming true in the gift of a baby. I think about her every day. I pray for her every night. I touch her crib every time I walk into the nursery to take care of Morgan. I pray we did more good than harm for Malia. I hope we have not emotionally scarred our other children for life.
So here I am less 1 dog and less 1 baby. Calm has returned to our home. Madison is reading to me every night, which is something I wasn't able to do with her when Malia was here. McKenzie continues to exude light and love. Her gymnastics teacher told me on Saturday she displays incredible focus for her age and is tremendously strong. I am so proud! Morgan is back to being the baby and she is happy again, rather than jealous. Her surgery went fine and the problem has been corrected. It is my hope we are infection free for a long, long time.
Kim and I are continuing to navigate the scary waters of parenthood. It is never easy for me to be a team. My dad calls it the "too many chiefs, not enough Indians" syndrome. Need I say more?
We had a great weekend together, me and Kim not me and Dad, because The Village took all 3 girls for 2 days of adventure in Lago Vista. We rested. We went to Wal Mart. I know, I know it isn't very romantic but absolutely necessary. We went to the movies. We saw "It's Complicated" with Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin. The movie gave us so much to talk about afterwards. We realized how entrenched we are in the day to day of parenting and rarely have time to look forward to those milestones of graduation, prom, marriage, and so on. Am I a bad mother because I don't have actual dreams for my children other than just making it through the day? My mother says no, I am not a bad mother. Instead she says I am a typical mother of young children where the only goal ever is to just make it through the day. I am so excited to find out who our children will be someday. Will Madison be the basketball star I think she is? Will McKenzie be a black Mary Lou Retton? And will Morgan, The Bruiser, play hockey or football? I like looking ahead to the future. I don't think I can live there comfortably, but it is a nice place to visit because there I find hope and wonder and excitement for things to come.
Kim prepared the most beautiful meal Saturday night. We didn't even eat until almost 9, which is unheard of in our house! It felt sinfully good! When she placed the plate before me at the table, I actually cried. Just a little. It was the most beautiful plate of love I had ever seen. She went to tremendous lengths to make standing beef roast, which didn't actually stand up but was delicious none the less. The entire meal was heaven and we talked about stuff that matters. Amazing.
The girls finally came home Sunday afternoon to watch the Super Bowl with us last night. Kim spread a red and white check table cloth on the living room floor and dragged the high chair in from the kitchen. Mid way through the game and the feast of Super Bowl snacks, I left the room for a moment. When I came back into the living room, I stood still to take it all in. Here is what I saw.
Sitting on the couch was Kim, other mother of my children and devoted partner to me. I don't know why she puts up with me and I don't know how I put up with her sometimes, but I do know for the last 10 1/2 years hers has been the face I see every single morning when I open my eyes to a new day. Hers is the last face I see when I go to sleep at night and the person I need the most every day. On the floor having an indoor picnic are Madison and McKenzie - sisters and best friends when they aren't screaming at each other. They have changed my entire life and I am thankful beyond measure for each one of them. Morgan is in the high chair covered in pizza and queso. She flashes her million dollar smile at me and I melt. How could one woman be so blessed? And finally, there is Misty on the other couch. Misty is the former co-worker and wonderful friend who we invited to move in with us last year. She is mouthy and opinionated and one of the moodiest people I know, but I love her with all my heart. Misty has been here through thick and thin, loving us and loving our children. She runs car pool in a pinch, rocks babies to sleep as needed, and serves as the gravy to this family. All of these treaures sitting in my living room and I felt calm.
We have survived the changes. We know there are more to come, but maybe for now we can have a little piece of peace. Maybe we can focus on our family as a whole and who we want to be in the world rather than fighting to stay in tact.
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